Parents typically acknowledge that a divorce could prove devastating for their children. Many people try to work on their marriages despite feeling deeply unhappy because they worry about their children. Parents may also find that their children provide an incentive to work together throughout the divorce process.
It takes time for a family to adjust to shared custody, and conflict almost inevitably arises. That being said, parents can take simple steps that can drastically reduce how emotionally damaging their divorce proves to be for their children. What can parents do to center their children’s mental health and emotional recovery while adjusting to shared custody arrangements?
1. Keep children out of conflicts
Parents may find themselves disagreeing about adjustments to the parenting schedule or major decisions about the children’s schooling. Emotions may flare, but parents should not involve their children.
Research has made it quite clear that high levels of parental conflict correlate to the worst outcomes for children when their parents divorce. Keeping the children away from conflict and having an outside space in which to discuss the matter without the children present can go a long way toward limiting the damage that divorce causes them.
2. Make day-to-day life as stable as possible
Disruptions to family routines are also a major hurdle for children adjusting to shared custody. It can be very challenging for children and teenagers to acclimate to a new schedule and to two different sets of household rules.
Parents can make this adjustment process easier by keeping things as consistent as they can. Whenever possible, keeping children in the family home and in the same community is beneficial. They likely have pre-existing relationships with schoolmates and neighbors that can help them work through their emotions.
Additionally, parents may want to discuss current and future rules that may apply to their children at different ages to keep expectations consistent between households. Adopting the same schedule regarding when the children wake up and go to bed can also make the transition between households as smooth as possible.
3. Embrace the need for mental health support
Parents may want to work cooperatively to find a counselor or mental health professional to work with their children. In some cases, finding one professional to work with the family as a unit and each child individually is the best option.
Other times, finding a practice with multiple therapists can be beneficial if the children have different needs and preferences. There are mental health professionals who specialize in divorce, shared custody and the trauma that children experience during family upheaval. A combination of individual sessions, joint sessions with parents and whole-family sessions may be necessary for optimal support.
If parents can agree to put their children first, then the major changes ahead do not necessarily have to be traumatic for the entire family. The right plans and priorities may make all the difference for families adjusting to shared custody.